Motherhood, Coercive Control, and the Larger System at Play
When we talk about becoming a mother, we often focus on joy, connection, and transformation. But for many women, motherhood also brings a darker experience: an increase in control from their partners. This isn’t just about “protectiveness” or “family stress”—it’s coercive control. Coercive control is a calculated form of domestic and interpersonal violence that strips away freedom, access to support, and the right to make choices about your own life. If you’re experiencing this, you’re not alone—and it’s not because of anything you’re doing wrong.
Coercive control works by isolating, surveilling, and limiting autonomy, creating a home that feels more like captivity than safety. Evan Stark, a leading expert on the topic, describes it as a liberty crime, turning partners into “hostages at home,” a perspective increasingly being codified into law as a form of domestic terrorism. For new mothers, this control often manifests as financial restrictions, constant monitoring, and emotional manipulation, behaviors deeply rooted in our culture’s view of mothers as resources to be managed, used, and contained.
Coercive Control as a Systemic Issue
Coercive control isn’t random; it thrives within a societal system that values dominance over care. Patriarchal and capitalist structures normalize the exploitation of caregiving labor, treating mothers as commodities to be controlled. This same logic underpins humanity’s domination of nature: both are seen as nurturing forces that exist to give endlessly, without autonomy or acknowledgment.
Research reveals that 1 in 4 women experience severe intimate partner violence, and rates are even higher for mothers with young children. During pregnancy, up to 20% of women report experiencing physical abuse, underscoring how motherhood’s vulnerability is often exploited. Recognizing coercive control as part of this broader system is the first step toward addressing its roots.
Why Motherhood Increases Vulnerability
When a woman becomes a mother, societal expectations demand that she become all-giving, self-sacrificing, and dependent. This cultural framing makes mothers uniquely vulnerable to coercive control. Society often labels controlling behaviors as “protectiveness” or “family stress,” masking their true nature. This normalization mirrors how we view the Earth: as something to extract from and manage, rather than respect and protect.
For example, coercive control in motherhood might look like a partner restricting access to finances, criticizing parenting decisions, or isolating a mother from her support system. These behaviors aren’t just about individual relationships—they’re deeply tied to cultural narratives that devalue caregiving and see maternal labor as an entitlement.
Parallels Between Mothers and Nature
Maternal ecopsychology offers a framework to understand coercive control as part of a larger system that targets both mothers and the Earth. Just as coercive control strips mothers of autonomy and freedom, humanity’s relationship with nature is often defined by extraction, exploitation, and domination. Both are expected to nurture and provide endlessly, without recognition or agency.
Nature, however, offers a mirror for mothers seeking reclamation. Unlike human society, the natural world doesn’t uphold the social constructs that enable coercive control. A tree does not judge or dominate; it simply exists in reciprocal relationship with its ecosystem. Reconnecting with the natural world can remind mothers of their inherent worth, offering a model of relationships built on reciprocity rather than control.
Failures of Family Courts and Traditional Approaches
Our systems often fail to protect mothers from coercive control. Family courts, for instance, frequently label mothers as “overly emotional” or accuse them of “alienating” children when they raise concerns about coercive control. These biases allow patterns of post-separation abuse to continue, prioritizing the rights of controlling partners over the safety of mothers and children. This reflects patriarchal values that prioritize traditional power dynamics over autonomy and well-being.
Similarly, traditional domestic violence approaches often miss the mark for mothers. By focusing on single incidents rather than patterns of behavior, they fail to address the systemic nature of coercive control. Maternal ecopsychology calls for a broader perspective that connects this violence to cultural narratives and systemic oppression, emphasizing the need for systemic advocacy alongside individual support.
Empowerment Through Recognizing Systemic Roots
Understanding coercive control as a systemic issue, not a personal failure, can be empowering for mothers. By seeing the connections between the domination of mothers and the exploitation of nature, we can begin to challenge these narratives and reclaim our autonomy. Maternal ecopsychology offers tools for this reclamation, including eco-spiritual practices that help mothers reconnect with their ecological self.
Children, too, can be guides in this process. Their innate connection to the natural world reminds us of the relationships we’ve forgotten. By protecting their sense of belonging to an animate world and nurturing their connection to nature, we can disrupt the cycle of coercion and control.
Moving Forward: Practical Steps and Resources
If you’re experiencing coercive control—or supporting someone who is—here are some steps to help:
1. Reach Out to Specialized Support
Organizations like The National Domestic Violence Hotline and local shelters have advocates trained in coercive control dynamics.
2. Build a Support Network
Isolation is a tool of coercive control. Even one trusted person—a friend, family member, or support group—can help break the cycle.
3. Seek Legal Support
Find an attorney or advocate who understands coercive control and can help you navigate family court dynamics.
4. Reclaim Connection with Nature
Spend time in the natural world to reconnect with your ecological self. Practices like nature journaling or walking in a local park can help rebuild your sense of autonomy and worth.
5. Advocate for Systemic Change
Join movements to recognize coercive control in legislation, family court reform, and community education. Laws like Kayden’s Law, which addresses coercive control, are a step in the right direction.
Conclusion: A Path to Liberation
Coercive control in motherhood isn’t just a personal issue—it’s a reflection of a systemic problem that devalues caregiving and nature alike. Maternal ecopsychology offers a framework to understand and resist this violence, connecting individual experiences to larger cultural narratives. By recognizing the parallels between how we treat mothers and how we treat the Earth, we can begin to envision a world where both are valued and free. Through systemic advocacy, community support, and reconnection with nature, we can take steps toward liberation—for ourselves, our children, and the planet.
IF THIS POST RESONATES AND YOU NEED SUPPORT OR A REFERRAL, PLEASE REPLY HERE OR BOOK IN A FREE TIME TO TALK.